I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
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Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.