her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
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Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
guys i’ve cracked the code
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Risking my life for fun.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*