6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
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It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?