A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
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If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
The French word for sex is croissant.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake