Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.