“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
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I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.