Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
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My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
some cats are just doing for fun!
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant