My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
LMAO
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.