Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
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Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel