My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave