not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
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Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.