My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
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[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
kids play hide and seek like
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.