You know…for fall…
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“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Oops
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”