If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother