It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
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Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
How do you like your Corgi?
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.