My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Banana is the quietest snack
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?