My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
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I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.