anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
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My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
The real reason evolution started..😂
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.