The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
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[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
when someone compliments me
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.