‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
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Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?