Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
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Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.