@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
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All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
three things we don’t talk about
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.