Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
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Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
channeling her this year
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
omg leave her alone
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
no one ever comes back
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work