Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
HERE’S MARKY
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries