*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
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My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?