Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
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When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants