Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?