[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts