Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
You Might Also Like
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Not all heroes wear capes.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.