Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
was Jim off killing horses or…
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.