wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao