Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
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Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”