One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
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Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
How it started How it’s going
I can’t stop laughing at this
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it