Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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#merica
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.