At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
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ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.