Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
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Just so funny
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
There are usually two types of merchants.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.