Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night