The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.