A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
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[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*