(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.