familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
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During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.