On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
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Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.