Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
me and who