what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub