RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.