“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
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If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.