The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
No laws when master is gone
accurate
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE