I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
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[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !