Light as a feather, smorg as a board
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.