You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
You Might Also Like
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
In banana years, I am bread.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes